I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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