i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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