he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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