We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
