Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
