last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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