We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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