i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
