She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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