Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
