i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize