I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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