i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
