I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
