So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
