when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
