It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
