so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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