cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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