i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
