I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I will pee on everything he values.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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