Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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