You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
