I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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