i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
