I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
