I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Randomize
