I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
