Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Randomize
