I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize