If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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