this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
