I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize