it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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