Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
