i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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