grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
