hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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