Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
