i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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