I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize