It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
