Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize