I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
