the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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