so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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