I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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