I CAN MOONWALK!
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
