I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just want nice things and good sex
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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