my being single is dangerous.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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