I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
