Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
