I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
