I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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