I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
