yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
