Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
