he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
4 words: hood of his car
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
