he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
