my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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