The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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