youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Randomize
