my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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