I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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