I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
