Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
