just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
