He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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