Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
